Category: Blog

[quote]Chris, since you already have a successful business please help me to give my bf the same drive. He’s currently working as a personal trainer and he said that is his passion but they don’t give him enough hours at work. He’s a smart handsome, charming guy but I don’t understand how he doesn’t have enough confidence to look for another job. How do I help him without sounding like a nagging gf??? Basically he has a lot to do every day but always falls behind and I keep telling him to write down his goals and to do lists but he just doesn’t have the motivation – which is weird since he motivates people for a living!  Please help! <3 you guys![/quote]

Dear Lisa,

What a fantastic question!  Many couples I know, including Lori and I, have struggled with this.  It’s tough when you see that your partner is struggling, but won’t do what it takes to change their situation.  Also, you are correct in wondering where the happy medium is between offering enough encouragement for him to make a change, but not crossing the “nagging” line where it could actually discourage him from making a move.  This is a very important balance that’s hard to strike.  This can sometimes be a very sensitive subject for men to handle, as they always feel like they need to be this great provider, so handle with care.

The first thing I would offer you is that you can’t make someone change until they are really ready for change.  You see, change is a scary thing to most people, and while someone can be unhappy in their current situation, they may be scared that the “change” could result in failure, thus making them even more unhappy!  The ironic part is, personally speaking, that every change that has scared me most, has always turned out wildly for the better!  Perhaps your first step is to have him think of other changes he’s been hesitant to make, and discuss how well they have turned out in the long run.

My next piece of advice is that it is always better to lead with a carrot than push with a stick!  Meaning, instead of letting the subject turn into fights, arguments or insults, always keep the discussions positive.  Offer him incentive to take small steps toward finding a new training job.  Perhaps find some potentially interesting job listings for him as a favor.  Lead by example by offering up changes of your own to accomplish, and commit to making these steps together.  People always accomplish more when they know that someone is doing it right along with them.

Finally, you must always be honest with him.  Sometimes people need to be shown bluntly but constructively that they have a choice to make, and by not acting on that choice, their life simply will not change for the better.  Remind him that they say “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results!”  There’s lot of truth to that saying.  You must tell him both when he’s doing a good job of moving forward, and when he’s using excuses or not prioritizing his goals.

Finding a new job is never easy, but nothing worth having ever is.  Stick together, and you’ll both benefit from him succeeding.  After all, a happy boyfriend makes for a happy girlfriend!

Best of luck,

 

 

 

[quote]Q:  I recently lost my job and this is giving me motivation to not give up. Can you give us any pointers on staying inspired and optimistic in these economic times? Would love if you gave more success tips![/quote]

Dear Maria,

Your question stood out to me because I’ve had this conversation with so many people, and, because I too recently had experienced this same challenge.  Let me start my answer by telling you my own story quickly.

I was employed as an executive at an international bank, when all of a sudden the economy took a long over-due dump, and I was unexpectedly given the choice of a demotion, a move, or a severance package.  I chose severance.  Now, this wasn’t an easy choice, but the choice that I knew gave me the most hope for being even happier and more successful in the long run.

You see, I thought I had it all at this job.  A great company, a great reputation, more income than we knew what to do with, great benefits and more amazing complimentary first-class vacations than Lori and I could ever dream of.  Sounds pretty awesome, right?  Well, not entirely.  Something was missing.  While I appreciated all of these things, I started to get used to them, and pretty soon nothing was enough.  At the same time, I got more and more caught up in “corporate lingo” and the demand to do better, and spent less time on the lingo that really mattered, my quality time and conversation spent with Lori.  So, when the severance option was offered, I knew this was my only chance to hit the reset button, and refocus on the things that meant the most in my life.  My relationship with Lori, and doing something more meaningful for others.

Now, when I found myself in your shoes, I was standing at the beginning of the greatest recession since the Great Depression.  No job, and BIG bills!  In order to recover, I had to stop and listen to all of the lessons in life that I had been taught, but had ignored up to that point. You see, growing up, my parents always taught me “do what you love, and the success will follow.”  I looked around and realized the happiest people I knew, were the people that were doing what they loved in life.  I also realized that these were the very same people who were the most successful in their careers.  Coincidence?  I think not!  When you love what you do, you naturally excel.”

Now, if you love doing “ABC” in your life, and there happens to be a career in “ABC,” then congratulations!  Job search complete.  However, that doesn’t happen to be the case most of the time.  Give up?  Hell no!  You see, these same people that I realized were happiest and most successful weren’t just given what they have now.  They built it.  Some started their own business from nothing (yes, nothing!), others took an entry level position below their qualifications in order to be in the field they wanted, and then worked their way up quickly because they were so happy and effective.  And some went against traditional thinking, and started careers in areas that people said they could never make money in (joke’s on them now!).

Now, if you’re saying “Gee, thanks for the advice Captain Obvious,” hold on!  I understand that people have obligations, families, and responsibilities that they have to consider when making this choice.  So, I will tell you, sometimes you have to take a “job” that will make ends meet, while you work on your dream career simultaneously.  Sound tough and tiring?  It is.  That’s why everyone’s not running around living out their dreams.  But, those who are, weren’t afraid of a little sacrifice and hard work to get there.  Nothing worth having comes easy, or quickly!  Suck it up, and go out and create it.

Lori and I sold several extravagances, changed our way of thinking, and downsized our lifestyle just so that we could start careers doing what we really wanted to do instead of just taking “jobs” that paid the same as the old one.  We worked non-stop, taking all the necessary and sometimes difficult steps for over two years to get here.  And the result?  We’ve never been happier or more fulfilled.  And ironically, two years later, we’re more successful than ever.  Perhaps that has something to do with changing our definition of success!  Here’s my point.  Choose your next career because you love it, not because it pays you the same as your last job.

Best of luck to you, not in finding a replacement job, but in starting the career you were meant to do!

[quote]Q: Chris… love the site! All of my friends seem to be making all of these New Year’s Resolutions, but I know they’re not going to keep most of them. It makes me not even want to set any myself, but I know I need to do something! I make the same ones every year. Any advice?[/quote]

Julie Ann, I feel the same way you do! I see all of these people making the same generic New Year’s resolutions every year. I even hear the same ones from the same people over and over. I wanna scream “What about last year’s goals?  How’d those go for ya!”

Now, I will say it’s very healthy to have a “reset” point where you sit down, look at your life, and try to make some real positive changes, and if the New Year is what gets you to do this, then great. However, instead of making the same goals year after year, only to see them fail once again, why not follow an easy process to make one or two real, lasting changes this time? Why not make “SMART” Resolutions!

Years ago in my executive training, I learned how to lead people to attaining the goals by using the acronym “SMART.” SMART stands for S=specific M=measurable, A=attainable, R=realistic and T=timely. I know it may seem obvious, but let me break it down for you a bit.

First, be Specific! This is not like saying “Gee, this year I’m going to lose weight.” Instead it’s getting as granular as saying “I need to lose 30 pounds by summer, because this is where my weight was when I felt sexier.” Or perhaps it’s saying “I’m going to add $10,000 to my emergency savings account by year’s end.”

Now, you can’t attain what you can’t Measure! Thus, make your goal measurable! This doesn’t mean “I can measure 30 pounds with the scale, so that’s my goal.” It means measure it out. If 30 pounds is your goal by summer, then measure it out monthly. If you feel summer starts roughly June 1st, then you know you have five months, or measured out, you have to lose six pounds per month. Going even further, you know that’s about 1.5 lbs a week. Very attainable! This way you won’t eat chocolate chip muffins for breakfast all the way thru May, and then freak out because your muffin-tops are bigger than ever with a month to go!

Attainable and Realistic are next. Stop setting stupid pie-in-the-sky goals. “I’m going to be a millionaire this year.” Or “I’m finally losing these last pesky 300 pounds!” While it’s great to have a larger, long-term goal, you must make sure it’s attainable and realistic for the timeline you set, or you will quit with discouragement! So, you’re not going to pay off your ten-thousand dollar Jimmy Choo shoe debt by next month, but perhaps you can by fall. Have no idea how much money you can set aside? Or how much weight you can lose a month? Then ask for help with your goals. Seek help from a friend or expert who’s been through a similar feat before.

Finally, make them Timely! Set a timeframe for the goal. Putting an end point on your goal gives you a clear target to work towards. If you don’t set a time, the commitment is too vague, and it tends not to happen because you feel you can start at any time. Without a time limit, there’s no urgency to start taking action now. Lastly, make sure his timeframe has several stop along the way: “By next week, in three months, by years end.” Having these timely checkpoints will keep you on pace and leave no room for surprises at the end.

So, if you’re sick of hearing people claim these dumb and irrational goals this time every year, make this the year that you do something different…actually make a change once and for all. Make some “SMART” New Year’s Resolutions this time, and you’ll be rich and skinny in no time!

Good luck!